May Allah guide you to the strait path you are curious trying to find the truth you find it but you can't go with it you know what should be done but you're not able to do it perhaps I don't have an answer for your problem but what I mainly suggest is to put the love of life culture and all these things in one side and the love of truth Allah and righteousness on the other side if you are aware of doing the wrong thing and still do it you may return back one day but if you think you're doing good you will never be able to return........