Life’s Ultimate Purpose
This is my first time writing after a long time, moving away from questioning my existence, pondering my real purpose, and doing whatever I have in mind; following my desires. I was far from any spiritual life, far from living… I was just trying to survive. I had a very hard time back then, trying different kinds of things to find peace. Sometimes, I was pleased, feeling brief relief, but it never lasted as long as expected. I had a strange relationship with most things I liked; I would lose interest in everything. I might be excited to do certain things, but then lose all desire to continue. I was lost, trying to find something that would excite me madly, searching for the purpose of life that would give me a reason to live. I couldn’t accept not having a purpose; it didn’t fit my logic. I wondered what purpose life might have. Since I had no answers (or at least not the answers I wanted to hear), I was very down, very lazy to leave bed, very lazy to socialize or engage in any social activity. I asked myself: “What’s the point of getting out of bed or even waking up to live a life when you don’t know the direction to go towards? What’s the point of dealing with people and trying to form social connections? What’s the meaning behind life?”
I struggled a lot with this. I wouldn’t live without a purpose; I couldn’t detach from my social duties until I found it. I just couldn’t accept living without a purpose. The only thing on my mind back then was that the only way was to stop my life until I found a meaningful reason for it. And that’s what I did. As a member of society, I went through the motions, going to work or school, taking care of kids or parents, whatever was required. But inside, it was just me, trying to muster enough energy to make it through the day. It was just me, trying to survive until bedtime. Dreams might seem like an escape from this nonsense I was living in, but that wasn’t always the case. Sometimes, I had lovely dreams, where I realized I was dreaming and could do whatever I wanted: jump from the highest building or fly in the sky. This is where I felt most “free,” but it was rare. Most of the time, it was just a state of non-awareness, where I forgot everything upon waking up. It was a terrible moment.
The thing I didn’t want to admit was that I was looking for something to keep me alive while trying to achieve it. That was the meaning behind the phrase “purpose of life” for me back then. The concept of purpose or meaning was relative to me; I wanted to have my own purpose in life. It’s as if life had no purpose already, so to survive, I’d better have something to keep me “busy,” something to give this nonsense a “sense” so I would never feel that way again. I learned from what I was watching and reading about this definition of purpose. I wanted to distract myself, to go as far away as I could and search for something that was already there. But the part I missed throughout this journey was: Does life already have a meaning that I simply don’t want to accept as the ultimate? Is the purpose of life relative? Should everyone have their own purpose? Are we all just here together, each running toward a different destination? Could there be an ultimate destination where we will all meet again? Is it all about individuals?
To be continued…
